Currently, life is good. I have a job that I like most of the time (but who really likes to work)? I have friends who are great. I have a dog and cat who keep me company at home at nights. I have a “special” friend who I have a great email and phone relationship with.
And yet, once again, I have that sense of doom. This year it’s hitting a little later than usual but it’s the same one that I’ve had for the past two years every time around now. Maybe not a feeling of doom, but just depression. Like something is missing. I know what it is. I’ve always known what it is but it never changes.
It’s gotten better though. I have my “special” friend to thank for that. I’m happy, he makes me happy. The only thing I could ask is that we go on to the next step in the relationship. But I am being patient.
The nightmares aren’t as frequent. I’m sleeping better at night. I don’t have the flashbacks like I used to. It’s all getting better. But as it gets better, does that mean I will forget? I don’t want to ever forget. But I don’t want it to hurt either when I remember.
Three years ago, September 13th, my beautiful baby niece died. It was so sudden and so cruel. She had only been with us for one year. She was developing such a wonderful personality. So opposite from her twin brother. And definitely different from her older sister.
I hate to admit that I did forget to visit the grave this year when her birthday went by. I knew it was her birthday because I knew it was her brother’s. But I forgot. I felt so bad about that once I remembered. It’s like I forgot her.