Sunday, April 29, 2007

Chin up!

Keeping hope alive after having one's dreams dashed away again is so very hard. I have my good moments and I have my really bad moments. The bad moments are getting fair and in between but the lasting effects are being felt. Not so trusting. Not so dreamy. Not so hopeful.

I've been spending a lot of time alone. That's my choice. I've been taking time to think and just be. I spend a lot of time on my balcony. I can get fresh air, see the "fruits of my labor" and my dog likes to be out there too!

Here are some pics of my pretty flowers! I've actually been able to keep some of these alive for more than a month now!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Weekend Plans

Weekend plans. I actually have those this weekend. Not just waiting around to see what is going to happen! No more waiting around to see if I am going to meet “him”. I actually have honest to goodness plans. Ok, mostly just plans for Saturday but that is enough as I need Sunday to recoup.

Saturday morning I am going to get up and head down town for the Farmer’s Market with Celestine. From there I am heading to lunch with my friends Joy and Sarah and Sarah’s baby Eden. After that we are off to one of the nearby parish’s bicentennial celebration to see Cowboy Mouth and Tracy Lawrence. Saturday is going to be packed! Hopefully Sunday I will be able to go out on my balcony and sit and relax. Maybe put out a few more plants out there.

Friday afternoon and evening will be for errands. Not very fun, but definitely needed! That is if my car actually starts. It has decided to give me some fits. Not cool when I just paid it off!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Dinner parties and friends

Yesterday evening Bean came over to see my apartment and all that I had accomplished with it. We also had a nice meal and some good conversation. I miss that. I miss entertaining my friends. When it is one on one like that it is quite easy to do. I think it is when there are more than one that I start to freak out. Well, not freak out, just start thinking of all the clean up associated with having a dinner party. And I can just invite Bean over and not worry that I am hurting anyone else’s feelings because she has no one joined at her hip.

I owed Bean at least a dinner. She has been there while I moan and groan over the “Jim” situation. She has allowed me to express my feelings about the situation and she has not once made light of the feelings. Nor has she just blatantly told me that I am crazy (yes, we all know this is true!). She has just been a good friend.

This morning when I received no phone call again, I thought back to what she said and what Ron has been saying. To just let it go. Let him go. It isn’t meant to be obviously. If he shuts down now, why would I want to be with someone like that (I hope that if I keep repeating this I will actually believe it!)? So, as much as my fingers itched to dial, they didn’t. I kept them to myself. I didn’t even send an email.

But back to the dinner and good conversation. It was quite a pleasant way to spend the evening discussing decorating and organization. It’s good to pull someone else in and hear their opinions. I think we need to do this more. But one drawback is that Bean is allergic to my cat so she can’t be at my place for very long. We’ll figure something out. Maybe soon I will have some patio furniture and I can entertain her on my balcony?

Sunday, April 15, 2007


My biggest fear, well next to failure, is rejection. But to me, those go hand in hand. I'm scared to wake up on Monday and know that I have been rejected because I didn't get a phone call. One simple phone call. I can either let it destroy me or I can let it make me stronger. But it's my choice.

It's been an ok weekend. Fairly quiet. Spending time reading out on my balcony while the dog chews on his bone (this is of course after the morning of terrible rain storms). Piddling around the apartment picking up the odd item because now that my apartment is clean I don't spend half of the weekend trying to push the mess around!

My biggest disappointment for the weekend was that the movie I was going to watch was unplayable on the DVD player. It kept skipping. What a bummer! So back it goes and hopefully I will get to watch it soon.

I'm perfectly ok during the daylight hours. It is when it is night time or early morning as I wake that I feel the saddest. The fact that I seem to have once again mistaken a jerk for a nice guy and that I have once again failed at a relationship or pseudo-relationship.

Friday, April 13, 2007


In an effort to stay positive, I am trying to focus on myself and my surroundings. This means that I have been trying to ENJOY spending time by myself and getting my surroundings (i.e. apartment) in order.

The apartment situation is quite a success. I’ve been able to go throughout my apartment and donate items that were in good condition or throw out items that were old and not worth keeping. I’ve been able to consolidate quite a bit. Now I am sure that at some point I will go looking for something that held sentimental value and realize that it is gone but that is just part of it all. One cannot keep everything that is accumulated in a lifetime unless they live in a mansion or have their own personal storage unit out back!

The spending time with my self and enjoying it is something that needs work. I have not been motivated to do any of my hobbies. I want to be around people but then when I am, just get irritated after a few moments. I think that some of it has to do with the fact that I am feeling “unworthy” at the moment. Maybe that is not a good word. I am feeling like a failure. That’s more appropriate. I have failed at something and that is just not acceptable.

I know that I did all I could. I know that I tried. I also know that I have learned some things about myself and I have worked to change these things. But an important lesson I have learned is that you can’t change someone else. However, as the oldest child and someone who has had some level of success in my life, this failure is a blow to the ego. It just reinforces the idea that I am terrible at relationships and that there just may be no hope for me. I am destined to be alone forever.

I am great at being friends. I can be someone’s friend for ever (well as long as no major grievance occurs). But once that friendship moves on to something more romantic, it’s like the kiss of death! Maybe I was right in hiding myself the 3 years before I started to try to put myself out there again. I am tired of healing a broken heart and hiding the fact that I have a broken heart from all. I am tired of crying alone. Why do I feel the need that I have to even have anyone in my life? Maybe because it is still dictated by society? I’m not sure. I think it is mostly the fact that I feel like I have this hole in my heart and I want someone to fill it up with love.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

So Tired

I am just so tired of wasting my life on men who just don't care about me or appreciate the things I do for them. I want a man who is manly enough to let the woman in and help. I want a man who can recognize that it takes more than just a pretty, skinny tart to have a relationship. I just want a man to see the real me. I am tired of repeating old patterns and falling for the wrong man. I recognize the pattern, but it seems that no matter what I do to stop the behaviors, I still fall for the wrong guy.

Excuse the rant, but it was words that I needed to get out.