In an effort to stay positive, I am trying to focus on myself and my surroundings. This means that I have been trying to ENJOY spending time by myself and getting my surroundings (i.e. apartment) in order.
The apartment situation is quite a success. I’ve been able to go throughout my apartment and donate items that were in good condition or throw out items that were old and not worth keeping. I’ve been able to consolidate quite a bit. Now I am sure that at some point I will go looking for something that held sentimental value and realize that it is gone but that is just part of it all. One cannot keep everything that is accumulated in a lifetime unless they live in a mansion or have their own personal storage unit out back!
The spending time with my self and enjoying it is something that needs work. I have not been motivated to do any of my hobbies. I want to be around people but then when I am, just get irritated after a few moments. I think that some of it has to do with the fact that I am feeling “unworthy” at the moment. Maybe that is not a good word. I am feeling like a failure. That’s more appropriate. I have failed at something and that is just not acceptable.
I know that I did all I could. I know that I tried. I also know that I have learned some things about myself and I have worked to change these things. But an important lesson I have learned is that you can’t change someone else. However, as the oldest child and someone who has had some level of success in my life, this failure is a blow to the ego. It just reinforces the idea that I am terrible at relationships and that there just may be no hope for me. I am destined to be alone forever.
I am great at being friends. I can be someone’s friend for ever (well as long as no major grievance occurs). But once that friendship moves on to something more romantic, it’s like the kiss of death! Maybe I was right in hiding myself the 3 years before I started to try to put myself out there again. I am tired of healing a broken heart and hiding the fact that I have a broken heart from all. I am tired of crying alone. Why do I feel the need that I have to even have anyone in my life? Maybe because it is still dictated by society? I’m not sure. I think it is mostly the fact that I feel like I have this hole in my heart and I want someone to fill it up with love.