I admit it. I am selfish. I always have been and always will be. I am not denying this. So what I am about to do is probably about the hardest thing I will ever do in my life.
I've been waiting to get confirmation from a friend if he would be in town during Labor Day weekend. Well, I finally got that confirmation but I won't be visiting. I won't be visiting because his ex-wife is coming to visit. She wants to get back together. His dilemma is that he wants more access to his kids but doesn't know how he can do this without being with the ex-wife. (He lives in another state because of the military).
I can understand his dilemma. He adores his kids. They are his world and I know it tears him up that he can't be with them. So here's his chance to be with them. And he is willing to suck it up and be with his ex-wife. But he says there is drama involved. I figured it was because he just doesn't want to be with his ex-wife. But no. It involves me. He's told his ex-wife about me, EVERYTHING about me. I have no clue why he did that. I personally didn't think I even ranked significant to him. So naturally of course, she hates me. I can't really blame her. Would you? But anyway, his problem is that he wants me too. He wants my friendship. All of it. He cares about me. Yep, he cares about me.
I finally get a declaration of feeling and instead of feeling all warm and fuzzy, I feel like absolute crap. Bawling my eyes out. Anxiety attack. You name it, I'm thinking it, doing it or experiencing it. So he is trying to figure out how he can have it all.
I don't think that is right. I know he doesn't want to hurt me, but I don't want him to hurt his kids. I think that if you are going to have two parents in a house, they should love each other and be happy with each other. No underlying tension. Kids pick up on those things pretty quickly.
So, I am having to figure out how I am going to keep my head high and a smile on my face so that no one knows that my heart is shattered into a million pieces. Because I know that the right thing to do is to never talk to him again. But I don't know if I can do the right thing. I just don't know if I am strong enough to do it.
The one person I want to talk to is him but I don't want him to be any more upset than he his right now. The 2nd person I probably would have talked to is no longer in my life. So I am looking for some divine intervention. A little bit of guidance. How do you let someone go when all you want to do is hold on tight?
And seriously, how many tears can one person hold?