Monday, July 16, 2007

Unselfishness

I admit it. I am selfish. I always have been and always will be. I am not denying this. So what I am about to do is probably about the hardest thing I will ever do in my life.

I've been waiting to get confirmation from a friend if he would be in town during Labor Day weekend. Well, I finally got that confirmation but I won't be visiting. I won't be visiting because his ex-wife is coming to visit. She wants to get back together. His dilemma is that he wants more access to his kids but doesn't know how he can do this without being with the ex-wife. (He lives in another state because of the military).

I can understand his dilemma. He adores his kids. They are his world and I know it tears him up that he can't be with them. So here's his chance to be with them. And he is willing to suck it up and be with his ex-wife. But he says there is drama involved. I figured it was because he just doesn't want to be with his ex-wife. But no. It involves me. He's told his ex-wife about me, EVERYTHING about me. I have no clue why he did that. I personally didn't think I even ranked significant to him. So naturally of course, she hates me. I can't really blame her. Would you? But anyway, his problem is that he wants me too. He wants my friendship. All of it. He cares about me. Yep, he cares about me.

I finally get a declaration of feeling and instead of feeling all warm and fuzzy, I feel like absolute crap. Bawling my eyes out. Anxiety attack. You name it, I'm thinking it, doing it or experiencing it. So he is trying to figure out how he can have it all.

I don't think that is right. I know he doesn't want to hurt me, but I don't want him to hurt his kids. I think that if you are going to have two parents in a house, they should love each other and be happy with each other. No underlying tension. Kids pick up on those things pretty quickly.

So, I am having to figure out how I am going to keep my head high and a smile on my face so that no one knows that my heart is shattered into a million pieces. Because I know that the right thing to do is to never talk to him again. But I don't know if I can do the right thing. I just don't know if I am strong enough to do it.

The one person I want to talk to is him but I don't want him to be any more upset than he his right now. The 2nd person I probably would have talked to is no longer in my life. So I am looking for some divine intervention. A little bit of guidance. How do you let someone go when all you want to do is hold on tight?

And seriously, how many tears can one person hold?

3 comments:

Little Grey Cat said...

Hi there. Thanks for visiting my blog. I've had a nosy at yours - you've had a bad week haven't you. I hope this weekend is better.

I love the HAED charts you chose - gorgeous! You should post some of your WIP pics and let us see. Come join the stitching bloggers community :o)

I was wondering though as I was reading this post from July, did you manage to sort out your dilema with your friend and his ex? You know, you ARE allowed to have friends of the opposite sex without being romantically involved. His ex would eventually realise this. My hubby brought 3 good female friends with him (not literally) when we got together 2 years ago and we are all really close now. I hope you didn't lose your friend and I hope he managed to get some good access to his kids.

See you again soon!

Romantic Fool said...

Thanks Cat. Let's just say the situation hasn't been completely resolved. We haven't spoken to each other since July but I did receive an email from him about 2 weeks ago saying that he needed to talk and that he has been so stupid about this situation(yes, I saved the email! It's like a historic moment for a man to admit that!). I'm still waiting on the call but I am giving him the space to resolve what he needs to resolve. He said that he misses talking to "his Mel". So we'll see. No matter what I will be friends with him and support him in whatever he chooses!

As for WIPS, keep checking back!

Little Grey Cat said...

I hope your friend makes that call soon. You shouldn't have to lose a friendship over someones jealousy, even if it is an ex wife. It would be a shame if you lost touch with one another. Mind, emailing is better than nothing eh?

I'll be back to check out your wips soon.