My Birthday

I had an absolutely wonderful birthday weekend.

On Friday, my mom and I went wandering through the French Quarter in New Orleans. We stopped and had lunch at Cafe Remoulade on Bourbon Street to enjoy some local cuisine. My mother indulged me by purchasing me some pralines (since I didn't have birthday cake) and also bought me a new bathing suit for my trip that weekend.

Friday evening I enjoyed dinner with Joy, Celestine and Melissa. We had great food, great margaritas and conversation that kept us laughing the whole dinner through. Oh yes, I did get some nice presents. Melissa paid for all my margaritas; Joy gave me a pretty print about friendship, cash (she didn't make it to the bookstore for a gift card), and paid for my dinner; and Celestine gave me the Christina Aguilera CD.

On Saturday morning, Joy, Celestine and I ventured off to the beach. After a few setbacks which included trying to find an air pump that actually worked and a very long breakfast at Burger King (they took forever!), we were on the road. It was such a great day! It was cloudless, sunny, a cool breeze blowing. We spent the entire day at the beach. It was so relaxing. When we first got there the water was a little chilly but warmed up by the afternoon.

That evening we went back to the cottage and we all showered and got dressed. We went to a local restaurant for some good seafood! We then came back to the cottage, got comfy, and drank wine and played UNO! I know, call us crazy!

Sunday morning, Celestine and I both awoke to pain! We had gotten sun burned! No beach that day! So instead Celestine and I started off the day with some blackberry picking while Joy got ready to pack up. We were both able to get a huge bag of blackberries which I am now baking into a pie! The rest of our day was spent shopping at the outlet mall in Gulfport!

I couldn't have asked for a better birthday weekend! I even got an email from my friend Ron who is currently on a submarine wishing me a happy birthday! I am so incredibly relaxed, happy, and sun burned! LOL! But it was all worth it!

Current Favorite Song

I hope the ring you gave to her
Turns her finger green
I hope when you’re in bed with her
you think of me
I would never wish bad things
But I don’t wish you well
Could you tell
By the flames that burned your words
I never read your letter
Cause I knew what you’d say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try to make it all okay

Does it hurt
To know ill never be there
bet it sucks
to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don’t say
You simply lost your way
She may believe you
But I never will
Never again
Never again
Never again
Never again

If she really knows the truth
She deserves you
A trophy wife
Oh how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes
And he’s through with you
And he’ll be through with you
You’ll die together but alone
You wrote me in a letter
You couldn’t say it right to my face
Give me that Sunday school answer
Repent your self away

Does it hurt
To know ill never be there
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don’t say
You simply lost your way
they may believe you
But I never will
Never again
Never again
Never again
Never again
Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
never
Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
never
Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never!
Does it hurt
To know ill never be there
Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don’t say
You simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
I Never Will
I never will
Never again
Never again
Never again
Never again

Mad Dash

Today was a mad dash for the finish line. Except none of us was ever really in the race! Today we got the email from the boss about bonus evaluations being done today or tomorrow. In order to get our bonuses we have to follow some guidelines. Basically meet with the boss periodically and maintain filing. Well, none of us do filing. We keep it done to a minimum but other than that we don't really follow policy. So today, after lunch, we all started to work on our filing. I think it is a hopeless cause in our office! We barely scratched the surface on the filing today and have maybe half a day tomorrow to work on it too! I'm not optimistic that I will earn that 2% of my bonus through filing.

Today was also my birthday lunch. It was just as I wanted it. Just my office mate and I. Every one is so busy and I didn't want a fuss so I asked her not to have any one else attend. We went and had mexican and she was so sweet and paid! I have the greatest teammate ever! Just this week alone she has brought me lunch (jambalaya on Tuesday) and some boiled shrimp for my dinner! Then to top it off she pays for lunch today. Great! This birthday week has definitely been going well! I can't wait for the main event this weekend!

Busy Weekend

What a very busy weekend! But I wouldn’t do anything different, well, except one thing (see third paragraph)!

The weekend started Friday night with dinner at my friend’s home. She grilled steaks and made scalloped potatoes. We enjoyed our dinner with a few bottles of wine. One of those bottles was very unique in that it was in the shape of a very tall black cat. It was different and we were told it also comes in a pink cat for breast cancer awareness. Another one of my friends from work also called for me to come join her and her family for crawfish and beer but I was already committed to the first engagement so I missed out on that. :(

Saturday started off with breakfast with the girls and shopping. Of course when I have spare money to spend I can’t find a thing to buy! I then proceeded to spend the afternoon and into the evening babysitting. It was easy and it was difficult. I baby sat for a 3 year old boy who was an absolute angel and then his puppy. His puppy was a big dog who stood nearly as tall as me when he stood on his hind legs. This poor puppy was being kenneled because it had had an accident a few weeks ago where it had fallen out the back of the truck as it was moving. It had broken its back right leg and its jaw. It had pins holding those two places together. I had to feed the dog and then walk the dog. Normally, not a problem. But I was so afraid to hurt the dog and well, he was just excited to have someone new around and wanted to get out of the kennel. One: he peed on my leg (which really isn’t so terrible but quite GROSS!) and two: he started to jump around. I was petrified he would hurt himself again. I did manage to let him out for a small walk to do his business. But it was well worth it after the money I made!

Sunday morning started off very early with me vacuuming the car and then proceeding to the parents to wash my car. It’s all nice and clean now! When I got home I had an email from my friend in the navy! He was so sweet! He told me not to sweat anything going on in my life (that’s his favorite term “sweat”) and that everything will be fine! Then he told me he appreciated me taking time to email him daily and that he “adored” my friendship. I’ve never heard a man use that word but it made me laugh and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But then he ruined it by making fun of the fact that my college mascot died. He got a stern lecture about that! He did mention that he was coming to visit soon though and he can’t wait to see me! I feel the same way too! I then spent part of the afternoon on my balcony messing with my plants and cleaning the leaves and old flowers off of the balcony. Of course Sunday means laundry and I had laundry to do all day. I got most of it done! I did spend some time shopping and was able to purchase some new shirts with some birthday money that has already come in! Duke enjoyed my time spent out on my balcony. He is such a blonde and loves the sun! He lies right in it until he gets so overheated that he eventually begs to be brought inside.

It was just the type of weekend I like. Busy but productive! I do have some stuff I will have to do this week each day after work so I can be ready for my birthday trip, but it will be well worth it! I can’t wait!

Good Bye Mike

Today was a sad day for LSU fans and alumni. We were greeted with news of our beloved mascot, Mike, passing away in the middle of the night. It is as if we have lost a beloved family member! He was the LSU mascot for 17 years. I remember when they first introduced him as a kitten at the LSU basketball game. Fond memories of the trainer walking him around on his leash. He was so cute! But he grew up to be this mighty strong animal who represented LSU well. Unfortunately he passed away the morning of graduation at LSU. All those who were looking forward to him will miss out on the tradition of visiting Mike's cage. Well, the cage is still there but there is no longer a Mike. He was a great mascot and we shall miss him!

My Birthday Week

Tomorrow starts the week that leads up to my birthday! There are plenty of activities planned and I am very excited! It all starts tomorrow with a dinner at my friend's house. There we will dine on food, that I didn't have to cook, and plan out the activities for the following weekend!

On my birthday I am going to New Orleans. While my original guest has backed out on me, I have had many people step forward and it makes me so happy to know that I am loved! So after a day of sight seeing in New Orleans, I will go to dinner with my friends! I was thinking mexican but now I am thinking something else. I'm sure that will all be hashed out tomorrow night!

The weekend of my birthday my friends and I will be going to the beach! Since I have been asked to baby sit this weekend, my trip next weekend will be all paid for! I will not have to worry about any costs! A few days laying in the sun, sand, and water sounds absolutely HEAVENLY!

I can't wait to see the presents I get. I know, that sounds so incredibly childish but now that I am older and my friends are older, I tend to actually get gifts that I need instead of want. I appreciate those gifts so much more!

It has been a rough year. Full of discovery! And full of growth. I have learned so many lessons and I find that I am actually applying them! Even today I applied a lesson I learned from someone who is no longer in my life. And it felt good to do so! And well, now that I reflect upon it, I am applying a lesson that my friend Ron has tried repeatedly to teach me. He'll be so proud. He is always telling me not to sweat the small stuff. He is so very right! And it brings a smile to my face! And I am sure it will bring one to his face when I email him to let him know!

I am happy to say that I was able to let go drama that was in my life and I don't regret it. I have learned who is important in my life and who is just excess baggage. Heck, I still have one more week of things to learn before my birthday! Hopefully they won't be as hard as the last 6 months have been! But I look forward to everyone of them!

Cinco de Mayo

Ok, I know I am ony a week late posting these pictures but I've been lazy! Cinco de Mayo was a fun afternoon! The girls and I joined Joy's mom and her friends at a local mexican restaurant for drinks, food, and live music. The best part was definitely the drinks. We enjoyed refreshing pomengranate margaritas. I know, pomengranate? Yep, it was really good. Mostly you tasted the tequila but once you got over that you could enjoy the taste of the fruit in the drink!

Celestine was kind enough to volunteer to be our designated driver for the day! After we ventured to a 2nd mexican restaurant for some nachos we went for a ride in the convertible! It was an incredibly nice evening! Thus, the last picture in this post. It's a picture I took from the back seat of the convertible. I thought it was pretty. Ok, probably the alcohol thought it was pretty but I thought I would share it with all!

It was just enjoyable to get out of the house and mingle with people!

My garden

I just wanted to share some pictures of my flowers on my balcony. I am quite proud of my hibiscus bush. I have another flower that looks similar to the hibiscus but I don't know what it is and it is more of an ivy. I am also very proud of my fern. I have kept it alive for 5 months now! That is like a record! I don't necessarily have a "green" thumb. It's more like a black thumb! Over water, under water, too much sun, etc. etc. etc. I've done it all to kill a plant! But I am very proud of the fact that I've been able to keep my many flowers alive. Although I have to admit that I have two pots that I need to purchase new plants for because they aren't looking very well! Not my fault though! We had a really bad rain storm last Friday and it trampled them! They sort of drowned!

Chin up!

Keeping hope alive after having one's dreams dashed away again is so very hard. I have my good moments and I have my really bad moments. The bad moments are getting fair and in between but the lasting effects are being felt. Not so trusting. Not so dreamy. Not so hopeful.

I've been spending a lot of time alone. That's my choice. I've been taking time to think and just be. I spend a lot of time on my balcony. I can get fresh air, see the "fruits of my labor" and my dog likes to be out there too!

Here are some pics of my pretty flowers! I've actually been able to keep some of these alive for more than a month now!

Weekend Plans

Weekend plans. I actually have those this weekend. Not just waiting around to see what is going to happen! No more waiting around to see if I am going to meet “him”. I actually have honest to goodness plans. Ok, mostly just plans for Saturday but that is enough as I need Sunday to recoup.

Saturday morning I am going to get up and head down town for the Farmer’s Market with Celestine. From there I am heading to lunch with my friends Joy and Sarah and Sarah’s baby Eden. After that we are off to one of the nearby parish’s bicentennial celebration to see Cowboy Mouth and Tracy Lawrence. Saturday is going to be packed! Hopefully Sunday I will be able to go out on my balcony and sit and relax. Maybe put out a few more plants out there.

Friday afternoon and evening will be for errands. Not very fun, but definitely needed! That is if my car actually starts. It has decided to give me some fits. Not cool when I just paid it off!

Dinner parties and friends

Yesterday evening Bean came over to see my apartment and all that I had accomplished with it. We also had a nice meal and some good conversation. I miss that. I miss entertaining my friends. When it is one on one like that it is quite easy to do. I think it is when there are more than one that I start to freak out. Well, not freak out, just start thinking of all the clean up associated with having a dinner party. And I can just invite Bean over and not worry that I am hurting anyone else’s feelings because she has no one joined at her hip.

I owed Bean at least a dinner. She has been there while I moan and groan over the “Jim” situation. She has allowed me to express my feelings about the situation and she has not once made light of the feelings. Nor has she just blatantly told me that I am crazy (yes, we all know this is true!). She has just been a good friend.

This morning when I received no phone call again, I thought back to what she said and what Ron has been saying. To just let it go. Let him go. It isn’t meant to be obviously. If he shuts down now, why would I want to be with someone like that (I hope that if I keep repeating this I will actually believe it!)? So, as much as my fingers itched to dial, they didn’t. I kept them to myself. I didn’t even send an email.

But back to the dinner and good conversation. It was quite a pleasant way to spend the evening discussing decorating and organization. It’s good to pull someone else in and hear their opinions. I think we need to do this more. But one drawback is that Bean is allergic to my cat so she can’t be at my place for very long. We’ll figure something out. Maybe soon I will have some patio furniture and I can entertain her on my balcony?

Rejection

My biggest fear, well next to failure, is rejection. But to me, those go hand in hand. I'm scared to wake up on Monday and know that I have been rejected because I didn't get a phone call. One simple phone call. I can either let it destroy me or I can let it make me stronger. But it's my choice.

It's been an ok weekend. Fairly quiet. Spending time reading out on my balcony while the dog chews on his bone (this is of course after the morning of terrible rain storms). Piddling around the apartment picking up the odd item because now that my apartment is clean I don't spend half of the weekend trying to push the mess around!

My biggest disappointment for the weekend was that the movie I was going to watch was unplayable on the DVD player. It kept skipping. What a bummer! So back it goes and hopefully I will get to watch it soon.

I'm perfectly ok during the daylight hours. It is when it is night time or early morning as I wake that I feel the saddest. The fact that I seem to have once again mistaken a jerk for a nice guy and that I have once again failed at a relationship or pseudo-relationship.

Ramblings.....

In an effort to stay positive, I am trying to focus on myself and my surroundings. This means that I have been trying to ENJOY spending time by myself and getting my surroundings (i.e. apartment) in order.

The apartment situation is quite a success. I’ve been able to go throughout my apartment and donate items that were in good condition or throw out items that were old and not worth keeping. I’ve been able to consolidate quite a bit. Now I am sure that at some point I will go looking for something that held sentimental value and realize that it is gone but that is just part of it all. One cannot keep everything that is accumulated in a lifetime unless they live in a mansion or have their own personal storage unit out back!

The spending time with my self and enjoying it is something that needs work. I have not been motivated to do any of my hobbies. I want to be around people but then when I am, just get irritated after a few moments. I think that some of it has to do with the fact that I am feeling “unworthy” at the moment. Maybe that is not a good word. I am feeling like a failure. That’s more appropriate. I have failed at something and that is just not acceptable.

I know that I did all I could. I know that I tried. I also know that I have learned some things about myself and I have worked to change these things. But an important lesson I have learned is that you can’t change someone else. However, as the oldest child and someone who has had some level of success in my life, this failure is a blow to the ego. It just reinforces the idea that I am terrible at relationships and that there just may be no hope for me. I am destined to be alone forever.

I am great at being friends. I can be someone’s friend for ever (well as long as no major grievance occurs). But once that friendship moves on to something more romantic, it’s like the kiss of death! Maybe I was right in hiding myself the 3 years before I started to try to put myself out there again. I am tired of healing a broken heart and hiding the fact that I have a broken heart from all. I am tired of crying alone. Why do I feel the need that I have to even have anyone in my life? Maybe because it is still dictated by society? I’m not sure. I think it is mostly the fact that I feel like I have this hole in my heart and I want someone to fill it up with love.

So Tired

I am just so tired of wasting my life on men who just don't care about me or appreciate the things I do for them. I want a man who is manly enough to let the woman in and help. I want a man who can recognize that it takes more than just a pretty, skinny tart to have a relationship. I just want a man to see the real me. I am tired of repeating old patterns and falling for the wrong man. I recognize the pattern, but it seems that no matter what I do to stop the behaviors, I still fall for the wrong guy.

Excuse the rant, but it was words that I needed to get out.

Words

I am not one to really be hurt by words. Someone can say something derogatory about me and I will listen to it but then let it roll off my back. I’m not saying that I ignore it but I don’t let it bother me. If it is something constructive, then yes, of course I will think about it and consider what I can do differently or say differently. But today, today I had someone say one word about me and it hurt me very deeply.

What word could possibly hurt me so badly? Was it a four or five letter word? No. I can handle those. It’s not like I haven’t been called those before, ok, that so doesn’t sound good, but it’s true. Many take my shyness as being snobby or the “b” word. Anyway, I digress. The word I was called was “needy”.

Needy. Why would such a little word hurt me so much? Because it came from someone that I care about and someone that I am hoping to build a future with. Also because I don’t want to ever have to ‘need’ a man ever! I want a partner. I want a companion. I do not want or need someone to rescue me. I do not want or need a man’s money. I do not want or need a man’s muscles. I can take care of myself thank you very much!

I was hoping that by typing it out would make me feel better and it has! He has since apologized saying he was only teasing, but for it to put out there to begin with, well, doesn’t that give it a grain of truth?

Playboy Part II

So back in October/November, Bean and I went to purchase a Playboy magazine for my friend who is currently stationed on a sub. I was very surprised when I found out from my friend that Playboys are not a common magazine passed around. In fact, he was questioned as to who would even send him that. It seems that many girlfriends/wives would not send their significant other a simple magazine. I guess maybe because I am neither a girlfriend or a wife is why it doesn't bother me. But I don't think that my change in status would change my opinion. Even my friends were shocked when I shared this information with them. In our opinion, it would be much better for our honey to be helping himself with a little help from some visual aids than visiting the local "massage parlor" and bringing some funk back. Needless to say, I have gone and purchased another one for him! I hope he enjoys!

Jupiter Parade

Saturday night was the Jupiter Parade. As usual, Joy, Celestine and I attended the parade. We met Joy's mom, Elke, and her friends down there. I cannot even begin to portray what a wild, crazy, fun loving group they are. All of us had an amazing time. We did get a few prize beads, tabasco sauce and oyster shell beads and my coveted LSU beads. I had to beat out two guys who were much bigger and taller than I to get those. I was very determined that they were going to be mine. I had Celestine behind me cheering me on by chanting my name! I'm still amazed that I was able to snatch them up! Never underestimate the short girl! Enjoy the pictures!

A 10 minute conversation

How can one 10 minute conversation bring one person so much joy and yet so much confusion? My friend called me tonight from the submarine. They are preparing to go out to sea again and he wanted to call me before they headed out again. He was on his lunch break. Yep, it was shortly after noon on Wednesday for him while it is just after 8 p.m. on Tuesday for me. How odd to be talking to someone who is already living the next day. It's almost to wrap one's mind around!

Anyway, I told him I was surprised that he called as it really wasn't something that he typically does. Although he said he was going to call, that doesn't mean he is going to. But because I know that about him, it wouldn't have bothered me that he didn't call and it made the call that much sweeter that he did call. He said that he had to call his "#1". What does that mean? #1 friend? #1 buddy? #1 lover? Ok, possibly trying to read more into a simple phrase than is needed. I should just be thankful that I have found a man that I can have a true friendship with. One that I can tell him anything and am not afraid that there will be reprecussions, like he thinks I am crazy or gets irritated with me. And we can joke and talk about things, like sex, and other people we are interested in, etc.

We are both so appreciative of what each other does. He so enjoyed the box of goodies I sent and the emails and letters that he gets. And I am so very appreciate, and shocked, that he even thought of me to purchase me gifts. Which by the way, I will still not be getting any time soon as he did not make it to the post office before they took off! (LOL!) It's ok. It's the thought that counts in this matter.

Anyway, he was making me laugh with stories of the men who have discovered "the massage parlors." He said for $70.00 one could get whatever they wanted. I just HAD to ask if he was partaking in these adventures also. His response was an adament "NO". He doesn't want to get any "funk". LOL! He said that he didn't need any of that. That he could wait till later. (Ok, yes, I pondered what later meant and who later also meant.) He said that while they do have some good times and party hard, there are many bad days for them.

I asked about the weather and he said he was sweating his ass off. It is like we are in two opposite worlds. He was in day and I am in night. He is sweating his ass off and I am freezing my booty off! Similar but different.

He was telling me that once I get the sarong I could wear it to the beach or to my pool that I have at my apartment. And the book he bought me is a photo album that is hand made in the region they were in. I really can't wait to get them but I will just have to be patient. One day I know he will make it to the post office. Although I have already gotten more from him than I could ever imagine.

So in that simple 10 minute conversation, although it raised up more questions for me that I am sure I will ponder for a few days, it also made me very happy. Such a simple thing. A conversation.

From Bad to Good

Today started out as looking like it might be that great of a day. I had gone to bed with a headache last night and I woke up with the headache. Never a good sign. In fact, as I write this blog, I still have the headache. Ok, besides the headache, it is once again suppose to rain. The sun has gone away again! However, I still got out of bed and began my daily routine. Part of that routine is checking my personal emails. I had two emails this morning. I pulled up my mail box and they were from Ron! Yeah!

Ron was responding to my pathetic email from this weekend when I had my mini nervous breakdown about my bedroom window leaking still, my cat having worms, the stress from planning convention at work, and then because my computer decided to go stupid on me when I was talking to him on yahoo. He is FINALLY (or so he says per his email) sending me my gifts! I can’t wait. But since he has taken so long (and because I probably sounded so pathetic) he sent me pictures of my gifts! I am so excited to actually see them in person! And then he added a picture of himself!

I was happy to see that he looks good. And it looks more like he is on vacation than working! I was very happy to see my presents! I can’t wait to get them! So even though I have this HUGE migraine headache, I actually have a smile on my face!

A Rare Sight....